


Rebel heart

by When_Tommy_Met_Alfie



Series: When Tommy met Alfie AU [5]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Daddy Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Past Domestic Violence, Relationship Discussions, Season01/Series01 AU, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, wtma AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 11:18:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13703388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/When_Tommy_Met_Alfie/pseuds/When_Tommy_Met_Alfie
Summary: Set right after the events of Family is familyAlfie does a bit of kidnapping in order to get Tommy to himself for a few hours. To talk things over.





	Rebel heart

**Author's Note:**

> My take on this request from tumblr:  
> Hey so I've been following your blog for a little while now and your writing is just perfect! I don't know whether this would fit in with your series but what do you think of a fic set just after tommy and Alfie start seeing each other where tommy has a little identity/sexuality crisis about the fact that he's with a man? and Alfie is just like mate calm down? It's a little idea that's been annoying me for a while but Ive zilch motivation so I thought I'd hand the idea over to you if you want
> 
> had to tweak it a bit to fit in this AU, since I've already established that Tommy has been with men before Alfie. But there's still a lot to explore on this subject, so I hope this is still interesting.

Tommy is in sore need of fresh air, Alfie decides as they exit the Shelby household and step out into the damp Birmingham morning. Anything other than this shit would be better –honestly, how do people live in a smell like this?- Though most of all, he wants to get him all to himself for an hour or two, and this appears to be an impossible thing to accomplish in this fucking town. Every corner seems to harbour someone who wants to nod in Tommy’s direction. So Alfie leads the way to his car, without bothering to tell Tommy of this decision. 

”This is a very strange definition of a ’walk’,” Tommy states as Alfie opens the car door and waits for him to get in. 

“Well, I figured, restless spirit such as yourself, you need to be around some fucking trees for a while, yeah?” Alfie shrugs. “May be in order after a night like that. Go on, get in. Trying to be a gentleman here.” Tommy offers him a pair of raised eyebrows, but climbs into the passenger seat without making a fuss. 

Alfie drives for quite a while, without any particular goal in mind. Until they’ve left the dreary Birmingham cityscape, and the grey buildings have given way for rolling fields and trees. He thinks he can see Tommy relaxing just a bit more by every yard they put between themselves and the city. Shouldn’t be cooped up in a place like that, Tommy. Can’t be good for that soul of his, all those dingy, narrow alleys and the factory smoke. No, this is the kind of setting he should be in –rolling hills and trees, things of the sort. On a horse, perhaps, seeing as he likes those animals for some fucking reason. They’ve talked about it, but Alfie can’t quite remember what the conclusion was. What did he say, that time in the Garrison? Something about his head… _You can’t think about other shit when you’re on a horse…_

Due to being caught up in these musings, he’s been unusually quiet for a few minutes. Tommy is quiet too, not unusual. Alfie figures he needs it, after last night’s quite draining events. So he leaves him with his thoughts for the rest of the drive. 

He parks the car at the edge of some godforsaken road, where there isn’t a house or soul in sight, and gets out, drawing a deep breath all the way down his lungs. Feels completely alien, to breathe air like this. He makes a face.

“So, this is what fresh air is like. I do not fucking approve.” That’s a lie of course. He’s got a house by the sea. 

“Only you could have a problem with air, Alfie,” Tommy says with one of those quiet little laughs in his voice as he climbs out of the car, and Alfie remembers why he says shit like that. “You should probably get out of London more.” 

“Haven’t had much of a reason until now-“ He’ll bring up the house another time. “So I guess you’ll have to show me the ways of your people, Tommy-boy. Make sure I don’t get lost in a fucking shrubbery somewhere.” He offers an arm to Tommy, who looks equal parts sceptical and amused. “Oh, go on, indulge me. Always wanted to walk down a country road with a pretty boy on my arm. Was on my best behaviour in front of your family and everything.” 

“Why do I enable you?” Tommy looks skywards for just a second, but ends up taking the arm, adding in a barely audible mutter, “You’re lucky you’ve got such nice arms.” 

“What’s that, sweetheart?” A satisfied smirk crosses Alfie’s face. 

“Oh, nothing at all. Probably the wind.” 

They walk for a bit, talking about this and that. Alfie mostly wants to lull Tommy into a sense of security before bringing up the more pressing issue. He gives it a while before bracing himself. Here goes nothing. 

“I know there’s been way too much talking,” he begins, and Tommy immediately stops in his tracks, clearly sensing the shift in mood. “But I just want to check in on you, yeah? Could see that you were understandably freaked out about this whole thing last night. And, honestly I want to fucking know, right, what’s going on in that pretty head of yours. If you’re about to bolt, or something of the sorts.” Alfie tries to phrase the question as if it’s no big deal, the outcome of the conversation. But truth be told, he is nervous. Him, nervous. Fucking unheard of. “Because I’d rather just know it now. Before I make any serious attempts at getting some sort of approval from that big brother of yours.” 

“Did you actually abduct me to a bloody field to get me to talk about this?” Tommy has let go of his arm and takes a step away now. 

“Figured that out here, you can’t run away.” 

“Seems to me like I’ve got plenty of space to do that.” Tommy leaves the road and walks up to the fence lining the field, his back turned against Alfie as he lights up a cigarette, shielding it from the wind with a hand. Alfie is silent, showing that he’s waiting for an actual answer.  

Tommy is silent too for quite a while as he blows clouds smoke that swirls in the light breeze. Alfie gets another opportunity to work on his quite thin patience as he comes to stand next to him. 

“I’ve never been ashamed, of… my preferences, or whatever you’d like to call it,” Tommy says, finally. “People have been trying to make me feel ashamed of things I can’t control all my life: my heritage and all that. But I decided that no-one would ever use that against me.” He takes one of those ungodly long drags on the cigarette. “And when I realised this was another one… another one of those liabilities, I figured I’d have to own it.” His eyes get this vacant look to them as he stares out at the grassy field. “Things are only weaknesses if you let them be.”

Rather profound words. True. Logical. But Alfie knows matters like these rarely depend on things like logic. 

“Are you really telling me, right, that little fifteen-year-old Thomas didn’t have a bit of a meltdown? When he realised the stable boys were more interesting than any of the pretty girls.” Alfie looks out over the field and tries to see what Tommy seems to find so fucking interesting about it. “Not that I think it’s in order. Fuck no. Think it’s bullshit, that whole thing. Let people fuck whoever. But you weren’t always this self-assured, icy-eyed little devil, aye? You were a young lad once. Hard to believe, in this fucking world we live in, that you never struggled.” 

Tommy offers him a shrug. “When you grow up in Small Heath, you sort of gain perspective. With all the poverty and fucking grey misery. People resorted to all kinds of terrible shit just to put food on the table for their family.” Another break to draw in smoke. “Who you choose to have in your bed seems sort of trivial.”

Alfie makes a face. Leave it to Tommy to rationalise something like this. He leaves the statement be for now, knowing that if he wants to keep the conversation going, he’ll have to be clever about it. Like walking over a fucking minefield, talking about things like this with Tommy. 

“True, true.” He nods. “And you chose men?”  
  
“And I chose men. A girl or two. But mostly men.” 

Two crows land on a nearby tree branch. Alfie looks disapprovingly at them 

“I’ve done a lot of awful things. Adding another one on that list didn’t seem like a problem.” Tommy sounds indifferent. “If I’m going to hell, might as well get a good fuck on my way there.” 

 _Awful things._ Alfie frowns, but makes no comment on that. It’ll have to wait. But the words dig themselves into his brain like a railway spike and stays there, even as he tries to get on with the topic.   

“So, what about last night then?” he asks. “For a while there, I actually thought you’d just fucking pass out. Never seen you look that spooked.” Tommy jabs an elbow into his ribs. 

“Hadn’t planned on telling them in quite that way.” 

“But you planned on telling them? I’m honoured,” he chuckles, a strangely light feeling filling his chest. Makes it easier to ignore the spike in his head. 

Tommy looks to the fields again. And Alfie is further convinced on his earlier theses: This is the sort of place he should be in. 

“Ada knew. There was…  a man, before the war.” His gaze gets that distant look to it again. As if he’s utterly lost in his own head for a moment. “I was different then. Naïve.” He lets out a bitter laugh. “Had all these stupid fucking… ideas about things. About what to expect from life-“ _what to expect from men,_ Alfie clarifies to himself. “And there was a man that I-” Something flashes by in Tommy’s eyes. Gone as quickly as it came, but Alfie spends a lot of time looking into those eyes, and he swears it was a twinge of sadness. Tommy blinks, drawing himself out of the memory. “Fuck it, doesn’t matter. It ended badly, and I may have tried a bit too hard to drown it all in whiskey. Ada found me, and it was a weak moment. I was absolutely pissed, so when she asked, I slipped up and told her.” 

Alfie wants to know everything about this man that made Tommy’s eyes go all sad for a moment. Mostly so that he can search him out and shoot him in the face. He’ll have to ask about it some other time. 

“But the others, they had no idea? Or, obviously they did, silly boy.” He works his jaw back and forth a few times. “You give them way too little credit. Must’ve taken at least at least some perceptive skills to pick up on that. Then again, we haven’t exactly been discrete, so what the hell do I know, right? Maybe you’ve been sneaking men into your room before with no regard for those thin walls. Must’ve been fucking impossible for them not to notice then.”   

Tommy ignores that last part. “Well clearly I didn’t know. And it’s always been… the hardest part. It matters. What they think. And for all my fucking calculating and analysing, I could never figure out how they’d react if they found out”

About his awful thing. _No, what did we say, no thinking of that._  

“Let me guess, you figured that best case scenario they’d give you a disapproving look, yeah? Cry a little and talk about this great new therapy where they fry your fucking brain with electricity-“ Alfie chuckles to himself, despite saying nothing funny at all, and makes a bad impression of Tommy’s aunt: “And it won’t hurt at all, Tommy, sweetheart, and then you can get yourself a pretty wife and a house full of kids, and forget all about how you like having a cock up your arse-“ 

Tommy is definitely not amused. And it’s not that deadpan face he normally gives Alfie when his rambles get to be too much. Or one of the icy glares. Something akin to hurt shows in his eyes. _Fuck._ Went a little bit far with the vivid images of forceful electrocution there perhaps…   

“Sorry about that, darling, unnecessary details, you know what I’m like.“ He puts an arm over his shoulders. “But that didn’t happen. So no worries.” 

The cigarette has been reduced to a stub, and Tommy smothers the remaining glow on the fence pole before flicking it down into the damp grass. 

“When Arthur came in, and looked at me like that, I thought I’d fucked everything up. Again. Worse than last time really.” Pause. “It’s been ten years and apparently I’m still a bloody idiot when it comes to this.”   

“This?” 

“Men,” Tommy says. “You’d think that I’d fucking learn.”

“Well, people have a tendency to do stupid shit when they’re in-“ Alfie pretends to clear his throat to cover the near slip-up. “When they’re getting well and thoroughly fucked on a regular basis, eh? It’s the one thing that ties us all together, right, as humans. Yeah, we may murder each other in cold blood every now and then. But we can all band together and state that fucking, that turns us into bloody idiots. It’s the universal human experience, so to speak.” 

“There’s no changing anything now,” Tommy sighs. “They know. Can’t take that back.” 

“Thomas, I may not know your family very well.” Alfie has to roll his shoulders a bit. This damp weather isn’t good for his back. “And the little I do know -well I’m not too fucking impressed with your two brothers at the moment- but your sister and aunt seem to have some more brains. That’s neither here nor there really. Point is, there’s a lot of love there, yeah? That much I can tell. There’s also a lot of misdirected violence and bad decisions.” He nods, to himself, mainly. “But mostly love.” 

“It’ll be different now.” It’s a statement, as if Tommy has already thought this whole thing through. As usual, thinking he knows everything. 

“How’s that, darling?” 

The wind rustles the branches of a nearby tree. 

“I know that Arthur just runs his mouth without actually thinking anything through,” Tommy begins. “But he was so fucking quick to try and undermine my decisions using this. And I know that he’s sitting at home now beating himself up... That he’ll get drunk some night and want to talk about it. But I’m afr- concerned that it’ll happen again, the next time he doesn’t agree with something I do. Would be bad for business. If he starts questioning me like that.” 

“Well that’s just bullshit,” Alfie huffs, before adding in a softer tone, “You’re afraid he’ll say something that hurts you. Not the fucking business. Would probably just be a heat-of-the-moment thing, but those can be just as bad. Sure, he’ll regret it, but that’s the thing, innit? It’ll still be there in your head.” He taps a finger on Tommy’s temple. 

“You’re such a fucking know-it-all.” Tommy bats the hand away.

“It’s alright to admit you care what they think.” He ignores the comment. “Don’t know why you’ve got to play so fucking aloof all the time.”   

“Could we please get off this subject,” Tommy groans and buries his face in his hands. “Pretty sure my brain will just melt and start seeping out my fucking ear any minute now.” 

“Oh, we wouldn’t want that.” Alfie chuckles. “I’ll lay off you in a bit. Just wanted to get all of this out in the air. And seeing as there’s a lot of it around here-“ he makes a wide gesture toward the open field. “Might as well keep at it. What’s more on your mind? Go on, I’m a great listener.” To underline this statement, he presses his lips together and gives Tommy an inquisitive look, not relenting until Tommy decides to speak up again. 

“Arthur can say whatever he likes about his behaviour. It’s all bullshit.” he states. “There’s no way he would’ve reacted that way if he’d caught me with a girl. It’s not just about you, the fact that he thinks you’re fucking insane. It’s that I’m with a man at all.”

A frown has settled on Tommy’s brow. “And he’s got it in his head that he needs to protect me somehow,” he continues with clear frustration. “Feels like they all do, now. And they wouldn’t have if I were with a woman. Don’t know why they suddenly have to be so fucking involved.” 

Ah, so this is where it’s at. Alfie should’ve guessed it was something of the sorts. Tommy’s pride will be his fucking downfall. 

“Why are you so afraid of being cared for, eh? Would probably just do you good, right, to let someone take care of you every once in awhile.” 

“I’m not weak,” Tommy snaps and his eyes fill with that coldness. Sends most people running in the opposite direction, but not Alfie. “I don’t need to be fucking _taken care of_.” 

That pushes some of Alfie’s buttons. Because Tommy’s got a whole house full of fucked up people who clearly care way to _fucking_ much. And that’s a whole lot better than the opposite. Not like him to get all sentimental, because there’s no bloody point, but it’s abundantly clear that he doesn’t have that luxury. 

“It’s bloody human nature, Tommy,” he says sharply. “Got shit to do with being weak or strong. People need other people, yeah?” He crosses his arms over his chest and frowns at Tommy, as if he’s reprimanding a disobedient child. “And you can’t always decide in what fucking way they’ll care about you. Sometimes they’ll worry, sometimes not. Can’t do much about it. If you want other fucking people in your life, you’ll have to let them care. Fucking _grateful_ , is what you should be. That they do.” He jabs a finger into his chest. “So swallow some of that fucking pride for once.” 

Without offering any response other than an icy look, Tommy turns away from him to rest his elbows on the fence and lights a new cigarette. Hard to know what he’s thinking. Alfie wonders if he’s pissed, because if so, he will definitely be too, and this could turn into a pretty fucking nasty fight. And Alfie may slip and bring up that _thing_ from earlier, and who knows where that will lead.

After a little while, Tommy lets out a cloud of smoke coupled with a dry laugh, shaking his head. He glances up at him and quirks an eyebrow. 

“How did you get to be so annoyingly, fucking wise?”   

Alfie feels the anger melt away just as quickly as it came. It’s like that, his temper. Can flare up in only a second, but usually simmers down just as fast. And Tommy’s had it rough, hasn’t he? He thinks of the way he looked there in the kitchen yesterday, those wide eyes and the constant biting on his lip. Never alright, being outed like that.   

He hunches over the fence next to Tommy so that their arms are touching

“Well you forget, love, when you get to be as old as me, you just know certain things. Good thing that you’ve got me to guide you through these mysteries, eh? Feelings and all that. With age comes great wisdom, could teach you a thing or two, I bet.” 

“You’re six years older, not fifty, you git.” Tommy scoffs, but his tone is a bit lighter now. “Stop talking like some old man.” 

“Comes with the beard.” This earns him a smile. Alfie smiles as well. 

For a while, all that is heard is the wind as they’re both lost in their own heads. Alfie thinks about the setting. About how all these sounds are unfamiliar –the rustling leaves and grass, the distant cawing of some bird. Strange, being surrounded by all this nature. Definitely been too long since he was out of the city, but things have been overlapping into this constant stream of activity. Things don’t just stop because Alfie feels that he needs to go and stare at a tree somewhere. He thinks of the house by the sea again. Thinks that he’d like to take Tommy there some day. Which leads to a very long train of thought concerning all the nice things they could get up to. Is it impractical to fuck on a beach? Probably. Far too much sand involved. Would a blanket help? Possibly. Could they do it in the water? That’s a clear no, salt water seems like a pretty fucking terrible ingredient to add, what with the stinging. And it would be cold- stupid fucking idea. Why fuck in the sea when there are beds? Sometimes, Alfie doesn’t quite know about his own head…  

“I thought that maybe I’d lose them,” Tommy speaks up, making him snap back to reality. His voice is quiet and eyes fastened at something in the distance. “Always been in the back of my mind. That they wouldn’t.... want anything to do with me if they knew.”   

Alfie could go into this whole speech about how this is an irrational fear, because judging by what he witnessed in that kitchen yesterday, there isn’t a single person in that family who wouldn’t lay their fucking life down for Tommy. Alfie wonders if he realises that. But it’ll do no good trivializing Tommy’s fears. Especially of being rejected by the only people that seem to be worth a damn to him. 

“But they didn’t, yeah?” He runs a finger down his wrist. “Didn’t throw you out on the street. So it’s all good. But you’re right about the worrying, I recon. They’ll probably worry more. Because you’re with me, yeah? And not some rosy cheeked girl. Is it still worth it?” 

“Worth it?” Tommy looks him in the eye for the first time in a while. With those eyes that are as blue as the sea. The cliché thought comes to his mind due to the previous musings, Alfie tells himself. 

“Us. This thing.” Alfie gestures between them. This awful thing _–no, not now. Shut up._ “Whatever you’d like to call it. Is it worth it? Overbearing brothers. A sister and an aunt who’ll look at you with those soft eyes more than you’d like. Drive you up the wall with their questions. Can you live with it?” 

It’s not until he’s asked that he realises how badly he needs Tommy to say yes. _Fuck, how did he end up in this mess._  

Quite unexpectedly, Tommy wraps his arms around his neck and kisses him. The answer can wait for a bit, Alfie decides, and kisses him back, just the way Tommy likes, nudging his mouth open with his lips to deepen it. One hand on the small of his back, the other on the back of his head. Firm, sure. So that Tommy can relax. He tastes faintly like smoke, whiskey and tea. 

When he’s finally out of air, Tommy pulls away, lips just a bit red and swollen after the kiss. Makes Alfie want to kiss him again. 

“Yeah,” Tommy breathes out. His eyes are bright. Happy. Alfie decides that they’re happy. “I think I can live with it.” 

...

Alfie ends up staying another night in Birmingham. Because it’s too late to make the drive back to London. At least that’s what both he and Tommy tell themselves like two fucking idiots in denial. But a family dinner feels like just a bit too much, and so they eat out. Nothing fancy, because neither of them are very fancy people. And in the wrong side of town, to avoid too many curious looks. Could just be a dinner to discuss business, nothing odd about that. And should someone have another idea, well they’re completely free to speculate. 

“You don’t talk about your family a lot.” Tommy is smoking instead of eating. 

“Not much to talk about.” Alfie shrugs. “Don’t have a whole lot of it left. There wasn’t much to begin with either. Not like your giant fucking tree of people. Got a brother, down in Brighton. Nice enough, but we don’t really talk.” 

“I’m sorry,” Tommy says vaguely, but Alfie understands . 

“Ain’t nothing to be sorry about.” He doesn’t want to get into it right now. “I got my people. Quite enough, that. And I’m not sentimental.” 

That’s true. Can’t afford to be thinking about the dead all the fucking time. Sometimes, sure, human nature and all. But now is not one of those times: right now, it’s the living that matter. And right now, he’s got a very much alive, blue-eyed man opposite him at a dimly lit table. He wants to be here, in the fucking moment. 

“I don’t ask you enough questions about it,” Tommy states. 

“We’ll talk more about it some other time, yeah? Promise. And fucking hell, Tommy, put that thing out and eat something will you?” 

...

There’s a part of the conversation that won’t quite leave Alfie’s mind. 

That railway spike he’s been ignoring completely the entire day makes itself known again later, in bed. When he’s looking down at Tommy through the soft light of the bedside lamp. _Has to at least be some light, when they can’t be as loud as they’d like_. Tommy arches his back, clings to him and bites his lip to choke back the sounds threatening to escape his mouth as Alfie takes him. Moving slowly, steadily. And he thinks that Tommy looks so fucking beautiful, and that this whole bloody thing is beautiful, and _how could it be comparable to any of the fucking awful things they do_ \- The thought comes to a halt when Tommy clenches around him and shakes in his arms. Covering his open mouth with his own, Alfie smothers the moan he lets out and spends himself inside the tight heat of his body. His thoughts turn to a hazy fog. He holds Tommy close as he trembles, fucks him through it, before collapsing on top of him.

Tommy’s chest heaves in deep breaths, and his heart beats against Alfie’s ribcage. Hard to tell where his body ends and Alfie’s begin, like this.  

Takes quite a while before either of them have the ability to speak again. 

“You think this is awful?” Alfie lets the words slip out in a breathless whisper, not even sure if he’s really saying them out loud.   

“What?” Tommy mutters into his shoulder, voice unsteady and a bit strained due to having Alfie’s full weight on his chest. Alfie props himself up on his elbows and looks down at him, at the long eyelashes framing his half-closed eyes, the flushed cheeks and the swollen lips.  

“Think this is just another thing that will get you sent to hell, eh?

“Terrible pillow talk.” Tommy smiles up at him, clearly too fucked out to make the connection. Always so unguarded like this. And now Alfie’s about to go and ruin that. But he’s already halfway into this now, no turning back. 

“I’m serious.” He sighs. “What you said, before. About adding another awful thing to that pretty long list of yours.” 

The pieces seem to fall into place in Tommy’s hazy mind and a crease appears between his eyebrows. “Been thinking about that all day?” 

“Well, it’s rattling around in my brain.” Alfie’s arms are finally getting too tired for this position, so he pulls out, causing a shiver to run through Tommy’s body and a whimper to make its way up his throat. Then he rolls off him and stretches out as much as he can on the narrow bed and opens his arms. But for once, Tommy doesn’t take him up on his offer. “Come here, pretty. Know that you like this part.” 

Tommy won’t meet his eye. Just lies there and stares into the ceiling. Alfie sits up, rubs a hand over his face. Sighs again. 

“Right, so I may just be an old fool. But I don’t want this to just be another awful thing that you do.” _Another way to self-destruct._ “Cause sometimes, this life of ours- it’s ugly. Just a lot of ugly fucking things on top of each other. Not much to do about that, comes with the territory I guess. But this-“ he gestures between them. “It’s not. At least not to me, yeah? And I don’t want you to think that it is.”

When Tommy doesn’t answer, and his face still has that blank, indifferent look to it, Alfie feels it as if his guts tighten themselves into a knot. _Fuck this._ He swings his legs over the edge of the bed, deciding that yeah, this whole thing is definitely a mistake- but then a hand grips his wrist. 

“I don’t.” 

Alfie turns back to face him. Tommy’s expression has softened again. 

“I don’t think it’s an awful thing.” He sounds sincere. And the spike in Alfie's head is pulled out.    

Slumping down against the mattress again, he reaches out for Tommy. 

Tommy turns off the light, before settling against his body, wrapping an arm around his chest. Alfie pulls up the blankets around them and things are the way they’re supposed to be. Quite unexpectedly, Tommy seems to be willing to offer an explanation. 

“My dad wasn’t around much, when I grew up,” he begins with just a hint of hesitation in the whisper.

“Speaking of bad pillow talk, your dad is probably an even worse topic than hell to bring up,” Alfie chuckles quietly, unable to stop himself. “Unless you’ve got some little fantasy you’d like to share… I could get into that. Should I start wearing my glasses to bed? Would that do it for you?” Despite the dark, he can sense Tommy cringing at his words. 

“That is the worst thing you’ve ever said.” 

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself.” He strokes his back. Not fully convinced that the idea about the glasses is a bad one. “Let’s get back to that first thing, eh?”

Tommy is silent for a bit, but eventually sighs and speaks up again, even more quietly this time. As if he hopes that maybe Alfie has fallen asleep and won’t hear him. “He used to come and go. Went away for several years one time. When I was… fifteen. Something like that. Then he came back and mum had Finn. Only good thing to come out of that fucking mess.” 

Alfie barely dares to breathe. 

“Left for good when I was in my twenties. Definitely for the best.” Tommy draws an indistinct pattern over Alfie’s chest under the blanket. “He caught me with one of the stable-hands right before that. It was just a kiss. But he didn’t exactly… take it well.” Right. So of course Tommy has a complete arse for a dad. Just one thing after another, innit? “Fucking humiliating, being bashed around by your dad when you’re a grown man. But he used to box. Probably had fifty pounds on me. And old habits die hard I suppose.” 

Alfie runs a hand through his hair. Tries not to think too hard about his words, because he’s going to end up putting his fist through a fucking wall. Nothing worse than a man who beats his own kids… 

“And I guess it stuck with me. Some of it. The shit he said.” Tommy’s hand stills and he sags a bit against Alfie’s body. Tired now. “Fucking pathetic. That it’s so hard to shake.” 

“No.” 

“No?”

“Just no. Fucking logical. Complicated business, fathers. Don’t beat yourself up about it, yeah?” 

Tommy just hums indistinctly.

“I know I promised to try being civil with that big-brother of yours. But if your dad ever shows up, I may have to punch him in the fucking face. Fair warning.” 

“Bad idea. Boxer, remember?”

“I’ll wear my largest rings.” 

“We’re going to sleep now, Alfie.”

“Just thought I’d get it out there.”

Alfie takes Tommy's silence as approval of this plan. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! So sorry for not getting around to answering comments like I usually do, Things™ have been happening. But I'll get around to it! And just know that I read and cherish them all <3 <3 You are what keeps the work coming


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